What Cost Plus World Market Wants Us To Know About Dads

Did you know that dads love meat??! They can’t get enough of the stuff. Dads love meat seasonings and sauces, the spicier the better! They love meat in slabs and meat in casings. Any meat as long as it’s big and red and gives a fat, meaty, middle-finger to vegetables and everyone who eats them (probably moms).

And do you know what dads love more than regular meat, seasoned and sauced to perfection?? Meat that is grilled, by a bonafide dad, on an enormous, hot beast of a grille made from 100% American steel. And when dads grille, they don’t just toss on a few patties underhanded and flip them with a baking spatula like Rachel-what’s-her-face, they use TOOLS, goddamnit. Long, sharp, heavy, tools that are black as night and show the meat who’s boss. It’s dads, by the way. These tools can be silver too, or even made from the wood of trees felled by dads and carved with tough love into uncomfortable but statement-making handles. They say: Dads don’t need cooking dinner to be easy, dads are in it for the PAIN.

When they are putting their all into providing sustenance for their families, dads get thirsty. This thirst cannot be quenched by water or juice, or even gatorade. No. Dads need booze. Lots of it. Beer and whiskey are preferable but if other dads are doing it, a margarita will suffice. A few dads prefer wine but they have to work extra hard to make it look dad-like. Sleek accessories like 100 dollar wine openers, mid-century modern decanters, or portable wine fridges for when dads go camping help.

You might think a dad would be completely satisfied if you got him some meat, rubbed with a chest-hair-growing flavor-blaster, that he could stab and slice and serve up with a spatula that means business, and something strong to wash it down with. But none of this will make a dad feel truly seen unless it is spelled out on a hat, t-shirt, or even a thick-cut, masculine apron (solely for grilling purposes, never worn indoors). If a dad is going to really be himself, he needs to let the world know that he is the best dad ever, or dad to the bone, or that he keeps all his dad jokes in a dad-a-base.

But it’s not all roasting flesh while looking good and letting people know they have a sense of humor that dads care about. Dads love lawn games and over-sized ice cube trays and shaving implements of all kinds, as long as they could clearly never be used to shave legs or armpits. Dads love coasters with drawings of dads from old-timey ads making anachronistic comments. They love books about famous coaches and founding fathers and World War II.

Dads cannot be put into a box. They will tolerate soap if it is soap-on-a-rope shaped like Peyton Manning and scented candles if they are sandalwood and include a joke about how dads do terrible things to bathrooms.

When shopping honoring the dads in your life today, remember that dads are flexible as long as you maintain very narrow expectations of them. And you owe them, because last month they got you a robe that says “My squad calls me mom” on the back and those lavender bath bombs you hate.

Happy Father’s Day, meatheads. Love all kinds of you.