Wow. I resonate with this one on so many levels! Thanks for putting my life into words, for your insight on how to at least be aware of and proactive around boundaries and my own needs, and for your incredible use of humor:) LOVE it!
I’m new but I had to say thank you for your writing and for sharing. I saved this in my inbox today. I had my husband give the kids a bath and I snuck a brownie and read this while I inhaled it. Then I nearly choked to death on the brownie from laughing too hard. It was a great 10 minutes to end my day.
Well, I can retire now, that's the best thing I've ever heard. Thanks for joining Elaine! And is there any other way to eat a brownie than inhaling it?!
I'm a very new subscriber but also thank you for finding the time and energy to write this. I just wanted to bring up a point that I'm stealing directly from Anne Helen Petersen's newsletter. I don't disagree that boundary-setting is hugely important and hard in the best of times but basically impossible in these very much not best of times. But AHP talks about professional boundaries, which are basically a way of blaming people for being asked to do too much work: "In our current framework, boundaries are the individual’s responsibility, and when they’re broken, it’s because the individual failed to protect them." This is clearly different from personal boundaries, but it makes me wonder what other systems (patriarchy, the primacy of the nuclear family, etc.) insist that we (parents, women, probably lots of other people) draw our own boundaries, then make it impossible to maintain them, then consider it our failure when we don't. None of this helps with your bathroom door, obviously...but thanks for helping me start to make this connection!
Yes and, Jane! I think about that all the time - how much being taken advantage of really is an active harm from others. For me, personally, even being a novice, I feel that at least some of these times, I really was being acted upon in good faith but I had no ability to say what I really wanted or to let people know what I needed. In other situations, of course, people were abusive. I would not agree with the idea that if boundaries are broken, it's my own fault. But I DO think it's my responsibility to set them in the first place, and then figure out what to do if they are not being respected. Such an interested idea, thanks for bringing it up. And always, the patriarchy :)
First of all, HAPPY SUBSTACKAVERSARY! I have benefited so much from your gorgeous, funny, insightful writing this year. Thank you thank you thank you for creating enough boundaries that you could write it (see, you do it sometimes!?). Wow, this hits home in all kinds of ways. I was looking back at my posts from a year ago and one of them was about the dirty, sacred truth that we're not actually all going to be okay. We might set boundaries and lose friends. We might set boundaries and piss off partners or kids. I guess we also have to interrogate what "okay" means.
Wow. I resonate with this one on so many levels! Thanks for putting my life into words, for your insight on how to at least be aware of and proactive around boundaries and my own needs, and for your incredible use of humor:) LOVE it!
I’m new but I had to say thank you for your writing and for sharing. I saved this in my inbox today. I had my husband give the kids a bath and I snuck a brownie and read this while I inhaled it. Then I nearly choked to death on the brownie from laughing too hard. It was a great 10 minutes to end my day.
Well, I can retire now, that's the best thing I've ever heard. Thanks for joining Elaine! And is there any other way to eat a brownie than inhaling it?!
I'm a very new subscriber but also thank you for finding the time and energy to write this. I just wanted to bring up a point that I'm stealing directly from Anne Helen Petersen's newsletter. I don't disagree that boundary-setting is hugely important and hard in the best of times but basically impossible in these very much not best of times. But AHP talks about professional boundaries, which are basically a way of blaming people for being asked to do too much work: "In our current framework, boundaries are the individual’s responsibility, and when they’re broken, it’s because the individual failed to protect them." This is clearly different from personal boundaries, but it makes me wonder what other systems (patriarchy, the primacy of the nuclear family, etc.) insist that we (parents, women, probably lots of other people) draw our own boundaries, then make it impossible to maintain them, then consider it our failure when we don't. None of this helps with your bathroom door, obviously...but thanks for helping me start to make this connection!
Yes and, Jane! I think about that all the time - how much being taken advantage of really is an active harm from others. For me, personally, even being a novice, I feel that at least some of these times, I really was being acted upon in good faith but I had no ability to say what I really wanted or to let people know what I needed. In other situations, of course, people were abusive. I would not agree with the idea that if boundaries are broken, it's my own fault. But I DO think it's my responsibility to set them in the first place, and then figure out what to do if they are not being respected. Such an interested idea, thanks for bringing it up. And always, the patriarchy :)
First of all, HAPPY SUBSTACKAVERSARY! I have benefited so much from your gorgeous, funny, insightful writing this year. Thank you thank you thank you for creating enough boundaries that you could write it (see, you do it sometimes!?). Wow, this hits home in all kinds of ways. I was looking back at my posts from a year ago and one of them was about the dirty, sacred truth that we're not actually all going to be okay. We might set boundaries and lose friends. We might set boundaries and piss off partners or kids. I guess we also have to interrogate what "okay" means.
Thank you friend. And ooooh yes to that last piece. What does being okay mean these days?