I Forgot to Have a Valentine
I’ve been thinking and writing a lot about what holidays means as a parent in these times. In the fall, I mostly guffawed at the new trend of Boo Baskets for Halloween for The Cut. I also wrote in my Good Enough Parent column for Romper about how to engage as a parent with a holiday you don’t particularly love. Then, for the column this month, I explored what it means to teach your children love, and how we’re probably doing it every day with the care we put in to not just our families but our communities. And many brilliant writers, like
and , have been tackling the meaning behind the day we’ve designated for love.
And yet! I love chocolate! I love presents! I love plush bears that, when pressed in the stomach area, dance robotically and play Nat King Cole’s L-O-V-E!
When my husband and I flew home from five nights in Mexico without our kids (yes, I know, we’re not worthy) the night before Valentine’s Day this year, I fretted. Could we find something in the San Francisco airport to shower them with the following morning? Might I get inspired and make a card out of palm fronds, or a special breakfast?? As I talk about to anyone who will listen, they don’t exchange Valentines (or celebrate Halloween, for that matter) during the school day at their school (the single best educational policy I have ever seen, 504 Act notwithstanding). So, where, pray tell, would my children experience LOVE??
As it turned out, the answer was nowhere. And also, everywhere. Valentine’s Day, for the first time in my life as a parent, and as a partner (my husband and I also forgot to be each other’s Valentines, although we made it up for it in Mexico, wink wink), JUST DIDN’T HAPPEN. But also, our lives are filled with so many acts of love for each other and others. Helping my son make his army of origami pandas. Brushing (ok, attempting to brush) my daughter’s hair. Making food for a neighbor with a new baby and explaining why we do things like this.
The backlash??? Crickets. Neither of my children mentioned Valentine’s Day, not once. And I, somewhat prepared to feel a culturally-constructed yet still real wound about not receiving flowers on February 14th, surprised myself by truly not giving a shit.
Love on cuties, however you do it.
Also, this:
One of the good things in the world right now is
’ newsletter. I’ve been finding so much solace, urgency, joy, humility in it at a time when all of that is very needed. In the post below, he gives 30 ideas for “lonely but beautiful actions” to take right now:
I’ve been trying out some small things to fight back against the garbage and build community. Garrett writes:
I don’t pretend that all it takes for a social movement to succeed is a bunch of individuals throwing the activist equivalent of spaghetti at so many isolated walls. Nothing I offer here will be enough. And yet, so many of us are waiting for something we can join, which presents a true opportunity to be the first person in your circle welcoming fellow travelers into halting, shaky, earnest action.
I thought I’d share what I’ve been doing if it sparked anyone else:
Organized a trivia fundraiser for trans youth with my husband at a local spot (come if you’re in the bay).
Shared info about protecting the 504 Act from my brilliant friend and emailed by AG about it.
Joined my local Mutual Aid organization.
Attended a neighborhood council meeting (you might have a neighborhood council too!).
Started a Sunday Potluck at our house with a few other families where we will break bread and hopefully brainstorm about how to show up.
I was also inspired by this video of W. Kamau Bell giving an impromptu speech at an Oakland President’s Day rally. His bottom line, the worst thing you can do is NOTHING.
There is much more to do, I know. Read more from Garrett and please, share yours below!
Good tips Sarah!
I resent Valentine's day so much. This year we leveled down and made homemade cards and I worked so much harder on the cards than the kids so I learned that next time I can be like them and just use a pen and paper and skip the glue and markers.
Look at that lovely list of things you've done!