Read below, then click the triangle guy to hear my interview!
My son is still, at five years old, very obsessed with me. He has, however, recently realized some boundaries between our bodies. He closes the bathroom door (mostly) when he takes a dump. He hasn't asked me to feel “how great” his penis is in months. But he will still, thank goodness, take a bubble bath with me. And the bath, as I mentioned last week, is where the real shit happens. Many families feel this effect in the car, when parents and kids are parallel playing almost, not having to look one another in the eye. Other families may have it on vacation, or who knows, in the frozen food aisle of their local Trader Joe's. Wherever it happens, when kids feel that they can ask you anything, it all comes pouring out.
In our last bath we talked about cancer, I told the story of our wedding rehearsal dinner, with which he is oddly obsessed, and we talked, for the first time really, about divorce.
I answered his questions about my parents’ divorce, when I was nine. “It must have been sad” he said. “Yes, some part of me was sad, but there was also a part of me that was happy, cause I didn't want my parents to fight anymore.”
I didn't want to sugarcoat things for him, but I also wanted him to see that divorce is not a bad thing, a terrible death bird that visits one day and absconds with your parents’ marriage, their love for you, and your innocence. He pointed out some obvious positives, like having two sets of toys, and I also pointed out that if my parents hadn't gotten divorced, I wouldn't have my step parents, who are so important to me.
All the things I told my son are the truth. We were all relieved, in a way, for my parents’ marriage to end. It wasn't easy, mostly because becoming a single parent in your late 40s is difficult, and there were bumps along the road there. But divorce wasn't a tragedy for us.
“Are you and Dad going to get divorced,” Max asked, cause they always do. “That's not our plan,” I told him “but whatever happens to us and wherever we live, we will always be parents to you and love you the same.” He seemed to accept that, though he added that divorce was not something he wanted. Of course, none of us go into a marriage wanting it to end. But as my mother, a couples therapist, has told me, marriages change, and the agreements that a marriage is based on must change with it, and when they can't, sometimes a new marriage just can't be forged.
Nigh’ on six weeks ago, I asked you all if you would be interested in doing some reader question posts, and if so, what the shit you wanted to know? Mostly people asked about how I make my skin look like morning dew and whether my hair was actually, for real, derived from a mermaid. But some of you took it seriously, and one reader in particular asked about "staying together for the kids," what divorce does to kids, and what divorce looks like when you're a parent and will still be co-parenting.”
One of the many buffering effects that softened the blow of my parents’ divorce was their strong friendships with “aunties” and “uncles” who knew us before and after the divorce and stayed constant. One of them, Patricia Papernow, happens to be an expert on divorce and co-parenting, and she likes a last minute Zoom chat as much as I do.
Click above to listen to my FIRST AUDIO THINGIE EVEEEEEEER!!! If you’re interested in how families and kids cope with conflict, divorce, co-parenting, and re-partnership, this is for you. Do I have a podcast now? Honestly, I’m not sure. The tech was kinda confusing. I don’t have a cool intro song or have any idea how to get a transcript. But whatever I’m venturing into, I’m not doing it alone! Thanks for being here, let me know what you think, and if what you are thinking is that my headphones suck and were probably purchased at Walgreens, you are correct.
Links from my talk with psychologist Patricia Papernow:
The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating, to Getting Serious, to forming a "Blended Family" by Patricia Papernow and Karen Bonnell
Custody Chaos, Personal Peace: Sharing Custody with an Ex Who Drives You Crazy
The Co-Parenting Handbook for a map to the best possible divorce experience for kids,
This Romper piece has me thinking the important of kids witnessing love.
Staying Together For the Kids