I also wonder how much of is this is how many fucks do we give about OUR kids and how many fucks to we give about ALL kids. That's been a big relief for me. When I start to get neoliberal anxiety about my kids' achievement and then try to widen the lens, it's always a great rush of relief. Part of what feels so rotten about giving too many fucks is that you know, on some level, that it's too small and selfish compared to your real heart.
yes this is such a good point. i notice not only that when i can shut the limit the fucks given about my own little world, i have more energy for the larger one, but also that the more time i spend in my greater community, with other children etc, the clearer i am about what attention to my own children feels necessary and what feels off.
I like how fucks, here, seem to echo the disability framework of spoons. I'm low on spoons is congruent to I'm low on fucks. I will not spend a spoon on this person's bullshit seems just about right a lot of the time. But this piece I spent a spoon on. And am happy I did.
i hadnt heard this one and I LOVE it. I love how language works in different sub cultures. Thanks for spending your spoon on me! (did i just sound like my mom trying to say 'wack'?)
In the disability community there is this language of spoons. We all start out the day with a given amount of resources, or a given amount of energy. For the benefit of feeling the limited nature of these amounts they are symbolized by spoons. We all have a different number and we spend them differently (and at a different pace). I have learned that I have a relatively small number of spoons and it takes me a relatively long time to replace the ones I've spent. I have to choose wisely, as we all do I believe, how I spend my spoons, and because I have a chronic illness there are somewhat significant consequences if I spend them all, i.e. I can't take care of my family because I have to take care of myself. This is the first time I'm explaining it like this, so let me know if it makes sense!
"...you are supposed to give a lot of fucks about boundaries and limits, but you are also supposed to set them in a really nice voice and respect and honor all of your child’s feelings about them. I believe you could call this approach 'neo-liberal' parenting, and though it packages itself as being somewhat laidback, it actually requires a high level of intensity and fanaticism to perform." <-- THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING THIS TRUTH. With love, A Parent Who Does Not Have That High Level of Intensity and Fanaticism 24-7
I think this is exactly what I'm saying - that there's lots of ways to be a good parent, and our behavior takes on different meaning depending on context, who are specific kids are, etc.
I also wonder how much of is this is how many fucks do we give about OUR kids and how many fucks to we give about ALL kids. That's been a big relief for me. When I start to get neoliberal anxiety about my kids' achievement and then try to widen the lens, it's always a great rush of relief. Part of what feels so rotten about giving too many fucks is that you know, on some level, that it's too small and selfish compared to your real heart.
yes this is such a good point. i notice not only that when i can shut the limit the fucks given about my own little world, i have more energy for the larger one, but also that the more time i spend in my greater community, with other children etc, the clearer i am about what attention to my own children feels necessary and what feels off.
Ayyyyyyye!!
Excellent post - and, here's a TEDx talk about creating a f*ck budget: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwRzjFQa_Og
thanks David!
I like how fucks, here, seem to echo the disability framework of spoons. I'm low on spoons is congruent to I'm low on fucks. I will not spend a spoon on this person's bullshit seems just about right a lot of the time. But this piece I spent a spoon on. And am happy I did.
i hadnt heard this one and I LOVE it. I love how language works in different sub cultures. Thanks for spending your spoon on me! (did i just sound like my mom trying to say 'wack'?)
I need some help understanding the spoon thing. Spoons?
In the disability community there is this language of spoons. We all start out the day with a given amount of resources, or a given amount of energy. For the benefit of feeling the limited nature of these amounts they are symbolized by spoons. We all have a different number and we spend them differently (and at a different pace). I have learned that I have a relatively small number of spoons and it takes me a relatively long time to replace the ones I've spent. I have to choose wisely, as we all do I believe, how I spend my spoons, and because I have a chronic illness there are somewhat significant consequences if I spend them all, i.e. I can't take care of my family because I have to take care of myself. This is the first time I'm explaining it like this, so let me know if it makes sense!
Great explanation, thanks! I'm reminded of the "how full is your bucket" metaphor which is a tiny bit different (self-esteem vs. psychic energy)
Yes Ben!
"...you are supposed to give a lot of fucks about boundaries and limits, but you are also supposed to set them in a really nice voice and respect and honor all of your child’s feelings about them. I believe you could call this approach 'neo-liberal' parenting, and though it packages itself as being somewhat laidback, it actually requires a high level of intensity and fanaticism to perform." <-- THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING THIS TRUTH. With love, A Parent Who Does Not Have That High Level of Intensity and Fanaticism 24-7
Glad that resonated a Genie! Now if we can figure out how to get that signature of yours to fit on a t shirt...
> Or the ones who rarely track their kid’s whereabouts or follow-up on how they’re doing in school beyond reading their report cards.
As a parent who frequently isn't tracking my 11 year old's whereabouts, I want to highly recommend also not reading your kid's report cards
I think this is exactly what I'm saying - that there's lots of ways to be a good parent, and our behavior takes on different meaning depending on context, who are specific kids are, etc.