Hi Sarah-- I'm not sure if you will read this but I wanted to let you know that I absolutely love these posts and they are incredibly well written and have been a Godsend in my first year of parenthood (which happened to coincide with a global pandemic). Thank you, and well done! -Amira (Esposito aka Booth-Soifer aka Raphi's sister aka That Tall Girl)
hats off to you getting through the shittiest year one imaginable! thanks for reading amira, i remember you very well and think it's so hilarious how when you're a kid being two years apart is like a whole generation but now we're both just adult ladies with kids :)
I try to give verbal acknowledgment. Saying “I notice you sharing with your sister.” But then I follow it up with “you must be so proud of yourself.” Ive kind of convinced myself it’s striking a balance. Because no we shouldn’t only do a good thing if we get something out of it but, maybe it’s alright to do a good thing because it makes us feel good about ourselves. Also, where do I sign up for this “no yelling gets you free makeup samples” thing? Because I’m in.
Yes I love that piece - pride can come from a lot of different places. Should we launch a positive reinforcement for parents start-up?? I feel like we could get a ton of funding :)
Look, I’m not above doing things for very tiny tubes of lipstick and I’ve reached an age where I just don’t care what exactly it says about me. It’s the entire reason I have a Sephora rewards card actually. Having typed that I’m now wondering if that wouldn’t be our main competition.
I LIVE for my sephora rewards. But they always get you by putting really cute ones on display and then what you get up there being like "oh YOU, you can choose between one nail polish wipe and another eye cream you wont use...."
Did I miss something? I love your column but to use Ice Block song when it ends in a police raid for a white woman's blog, seems to miss the mark in this time.
Sorry that hit you wrong way Nancy, and I've appreciated your positive feedback in the past! This is an iconic song about having a good day (there are some great, silly, articles where people have tried to actually calculate which day he could be talking about, that's how beloved it is). I had forgotten that the music video ends in a moment with police and I could see how that would be difficult to see when you weren't expecting it. It's important to me to weave the topics I discuss with pop-culture and politics, and I know that others may not always have the same connections with those references that I do.
Yes, yes, yes. Thank YOU for writing this. It's crazy reading this b/c I am exactly here right now. actually ever since school started in person about 3 weeks ago with my 4 YO and 7 YO. I've been crying about it. I find most afternoons just separating them, which is pretty challenging.
Finally I got the two to them in OT together. (My son has been doing OT for impulse control for years). And I was just thinking the the "Peaceful Parenting, Happy Siblings" book, which I really like is NOT cutting it. I am DESPERATE. I need MORE, like yesterday. So I'm going to try the star thing. (If you have more specifics on this, could you share?)
It is totally tear-jerking Jessica, so exhausting. I think exactly how you do it depends on both the developmental level and temperament of your kids and then your own parenting style and ability structure (I for one, need very simple systems or I abandon them). The structure we have is a piece of paper on each kids door - we set timers for little chunks of time (longer for the big kid, but you want them to be very doable amounts of time, especially at first) in which their challenge is to not hit, use a calm voice, whatever you want to say in simple, positive (meaning telling them what TO DO, not just what NOT TO DO) terms. Then we give them a star for each challenge. We let them restart if they 'forget.' We just do them from time to time because us or one of them suggests it (maybe for a difficult time like dinner) - we dont make a big deal out of losses. You can work with the kids to figure out what the starts mean - could be like every 10 or 20 they get a mini-date with you, or after they fill the page they pick out a toy, or could be smaller, more frequent things for the little ones, like I'll tell you a silly story after every 5 stars or a sticker for 2. I like systems that have no punishments, that are not all or nothing (you make it to the end of the week meeting your goals EVERY day you get a prize - cause then what happens if they have a bad day? not motivating), and that have frequent opportunities to get positive feedback. I like "the more the better" systems like this too - they make me as a parent also notice more how well they are doing and not focus on big, unachieveable goals. Hope that's helpful, this is hard! I'm just hoping they'll work it all out now and be friends when they are adults and no one will thank me but I'LL KNOW I deserve credit :)
Hi Sarah-- I'm not sure if you will read this but I wanted to let you know that I absolutely love these posts and they are incredibly well written and have been a Godsend in my first year of parenthood (which happened to coincide with a global pandemic). Thank you, and well done! -Amira (Esposito aka Booth-Soifer aka Raphi's sister aka That Tall Girl)
hats off to you getting through the shittiest year one imaginable! thanks for reading amira, i remember you very well and think it's so hilarious how when you're a kid being two years apart is like a whole generation but now we're both just adult ladies with kids :)
I try to give verbal acknowledgment. Saying “I notice you sharing with your sister.” But then I follow it up with “you must be so proud of yourself.” Ive kind of convinced myself it’s striking a balance. Because no we shouldn’t only do a good thing if we get something out of it but, maybe it’s alright to do a good thing because it makes us feel good about ourselves. Also, where do I sign up for this “no yelling gets you free makeup samples” thing? Because I’m in.
Yes I love that piece - pride can come from a lot of different places. Should we launch a positive reinforcement for parents start-up?? I feel like we could get a ton of funding :)
Look, I’m not above doing things for very tiny tubes of lipstick and I’ve reached an age where I just don’t care what exactly it says about me. It’s the entire reason I have a Sephora rewards card actually. Having typed that I’m now wondering if that wouldn’t be our main competition.
I LIVE for my sephora rewards. But they always get you by putting really cute ones on display and then what you get up there being like "oh YOU, you can choose between one nail polish wipe and another eye cream you wont use...."
Sarah, this is where we close the gap and gain an edge in them!
Did I miss something? I love your column but to use Ice Block song when it ends in a police raid for a white woman's blog, seems to miss the mark in this time.
Sorry that hit you wrong way Nancy, and I've appreciated your positive feedback in the past! This is an iconic song about having a good day (there are some great, silly, articles where people have tried to actually calculate which day he could be talking about, that's how beloved it is). I had forgotten that the music video ends in a moment with police and I could see how that would be difficult to see when you weren't expecting it. It's important to me to weave the topics I discuss with pop-culture and politics, and I know that others may not always have the same connections with those references that I do.
Yes, yes, yes. Thank YOU for writing this. It's crazy reading this b/c I am exactly here right now. actually ever since school started in person about 3 weeks ago with my 4 YO and 7 YO. I've been crying about it. I find most afternoons just separating them, which is pretty challenging.
Finally I got the two to them in OT together. (My son has been doing OT for impulse control for years). And I was just thinking the the "Peaceful Parenting, Happy Siblings" book, which I really like is NOT cutting it. I am DESPERATE. I need MORE, like yesterday. So I'm going to try the star thing. (If you have more specifics on this, could you share?)
It is totally tear-jerking Jessica, so exhausting. I think exactly how you do it depends on both the developmental level and temperament of your kids and then your own parenting style and ability structure (I for one, need very simple systems or I abandon them). The structure we have is a piece of paper on each kids door - we set timers for little chunks of time (longer for the big kid, but you want them to be very doable amounts of time, especially at first) in which their challenge is to not hit, use a calm voice, whatever you want to say in simple, positive (meaning telling them what TO DO, not just what NOT TO DO) terms. Then we give them a star for each challenge. We let them restart if they 'forget.' We just do them from time to time because us or one of them suggests it (maybe for a difficult time like dinner) - we dont make a big deal out of losses. You can work with the kids to figure out what the starts mean - could be like every 10 or 20 they get a mini-date with you, or after they fill the page they pick out a toy, or could be smaller, more frequent things for the little ones, like I'll tell you a silly story after every 5 stars or a sticker for 2. I like systems that have no punishments, that are not all or nothing (you make it to the end of the week meeting your goals EVERY day you get a prize - cause then what happens if they have a bad day? not motivating), and that have frequent opportunities to get positive feedback. I like "the more the better" systems like this too - they make me as a parent also notice more how well they are doing and not focus on big, unachieveable goals. Hope that's helpful, this is hard! I'm just hoping they'll work it all out now and be friends when they are adults and no one will thank me but I'LL KNOW I deserve credit :)
LOVE this! YES!! Most of all hoping for friendship (long-term) over here in our tiny part of the world, too. thank you thank you